I have been avoiding posting this for quite a while now, because I just didn’t know what to say. I’ve been sifting the words through my head, but nothing sounded right. So instead of being a blubbering mess and writing out my frustrations, I decided to wait it out.
As you can probably tell from the title of this article, I had a miscarriage. It happened a little over 2 weeks ago while my in-laws were down here visiting us. This is the first miscarriage my husband and I have had together, and it would have been our third baby.
When I awoke and noticed all the blood, it didn’t really faze me too much. I think I was too groggy from sleep to really notice. It took me a good 5 minutes to truly process what had happened. Once I finally processed all that happened, I was surprisingly, at the time, okay with it. For some reason, I just had this gut feeling throughout the entire pregnancy that something wasn’t quite right this go-around. I had somewhat mentally prepared for a miscarriage, so when it finally happened, I was able to handle it a little better.
My husband was troubled by it, because he had really been looking forward to our third child. We talked about it, cried, and held one another. It’s a difficult thing to process, but I think he’s doing better.
I chose to miscarry privately at home. I told no one but my husband what had happened, while it was happening. I really wanted to keep it a private matter, because I knew that I couldn’t mentally handle the questions and comments people were going to give me. I knew that it would all cause me to just break down. When I told a few family members later on, there were quite aggressive with me and angered that I hadn’t told them when it happened. That only proved to me that I made the right choice, because they would have interfered with what little calm I was maintaining.
The baby miscarried rather smoothly over a 5 day span. On the first day that it happened, I wanted to try to keep my mind off of it as much as possible. My husband decided to take me hiking while my in-laws watched the children. I love hiking and it was exactly what I was needing. He and I enjoyed ourselves, we took our time, and we were able to smile through the heartache. We only hiked about a mile, which was more than enough.
Both my husband and I are fairly certain that the baby was a boy. We both meditated on the gender multiple times, and that’s what we both came up with. If it had been a boy, we would have named him Arthur, after my husband’s grandfather. In my mind, the little one that I lost will always be Arthur.
As the days have passed, it has been a little harder. My belly has returned to it’s pre-pregnancy form, which provides me with a constant reality check anytime I see my midriff. I’m also still in the process of telling friends and family about the loss, which is difficult. I like to hope that things will get better, but I know that there will always be a sweet little baby missing from my brood.
For the time being, my husband and I are waiting on having any more children. We’re currently both going through occupational changes/advances, so life is already busy without adding an additional little bundle. We also want to have time to heal, both emotionally and physically. We really do want to have another baby, but just not right now. I need to heal from the loss of this one, and that is going to take some time.