Miscarriage is a silent torture that too many women experience and not enough people talk about. In our society, we’re encouraged to keep our pregnancies under hushed lips until the “safe” time (roughly 12-14 weeks along) has passed. Our society encourages this because no one wants to hear about little babies dying too soon. The repercussions from this mentality is that we end up with a lot of depressed women who’ve lost a little one that simply have no one around to listen to them.
I refuse to be silent. I lost a baby. I’m pissed; really pissed. I’m depressed. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m so full of so many emotions boiling inside of me that I just feel blank. If you too have lost a baby, understand that these emotions are normal. On top of all of these emotions, you’re likely going through all sorts of hormonal changes that it feels like menopause has hit early. That’s all normal, too. We’re expected to jump back into our “normal” lives after a miscarriage, because no one wants to hear about dead babies, but that just isn’t right. You’re having these emotions for a reason. You’re not meant to jump back into “normal” right away. You’re meant to mourn, to be angry, to be sad, to be hurt, to hate the universe, and so on. You’re meant to heal before going back to “normal”.
This is my confessional. I haven’t been my normal wild, crunchy self. I’ve lapsed on many things recently. At first, I was worried that I was failing my family and failing my beliefs. I’ve come to realize that I’ve needed to heal, and that changing things up for a while is what I’ve needed to do to heal.
I’ve Stopped Breastfeeding My daughter is 16 months old. I exclusively breastfed her until 10 months, when she first began eating solids. After miscarrying in early October, I just couldn’t continue breastfeeding full-time. My breasts were so tender after the miscarriage, and I was being bombarded with a montage of emotions, that breastfeeding just had to stop for us. Autumn wasn’t too thrilled, at first, but she eventually consented. I occasionally give her “boobie” when she really wants it, but my milk supply is down to almost nothing now.
I’ve Stopped Co-Sleeping This stemmed primarily from depression. After the miscarriage, I didn’t want to be touched by little hands cuddling me at night. All I could think about when my children slept with me was how my third baby would never be cuddling beside me. I just couldn’t do it anymore. My husband and I reorganized the bedrooms in our house so that the children share a room and my husband and I have our own room. Occasionally the kids will nap with me, or I have cuddled them on nights that they’ve had trouble sleeping. However, for the most part, this arrangement has worked out well. Its actually been really nice having actual alone time with my husband. We have been co-sleeping ever since our oldest was born, so this is the first time we’ve had our own space since becoming parents. In some ways, I miss having my little ones in the same room with me, but I also feel some relief. I don’t think I would have been able to heal from the miscarriage as well had we continued co-sleeping.
I’ve Used Shampoo After the miscarriage, I just wanted to feel like a girl. I wanted to feel pretty. My nose was so sensitive after the miscarriage, that my vinegar hair wash made me feel disgusting. I started using shampoo again. It’s the first time I’ve used shampoo in roughly 2 years. I definitely plan on switching back to my usual routine soon, but for now, this is what is working for me.
My Eating Has Changed This has had more to do with the fact that my husband lost his job the same week we miscarried. Money has been tight, so our food budget hasn’t been the usual goods. I’ve also had a difficult time getting out to forage much, so our foraged goods have been slim. My family and I have kind of just been eating whatever we can get, and it hasn’t always been the healthiest.
My life has been turned upside down, but I’m healing. I’m learning to live with the cards that I have been dealt this autumn season, and I am trying to survive it all. Life has been a total bitch to me and my family, but we’re making it. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I’m tear-stained. I’m beat up. I’m strong. I’m tough. I will heal. I will survive.