I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much as of late. Things have been pretty busy here between work and prepping for Bitty A’s arrival.
According to my midwife, I’m roughly 37 weeks. According to my calculations, I’m roughly 39 weeks. But who cares? Bitty A is still moving well, I’m feeling good, lets go another month… (Good gods I hope not).
In all honesty, though, this pregnancy has really been superb, health wise. I’ve felt great. My anemia has been kept in check through herbs and a fairly healthy diet. My DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease) hasn’t been anywhere near the issue it was with Big A’s pregnancy. I have been able to maintain a fairly decent workload, while also taking care of the kids. All-in-all, this pregnancy has truly been great from a physical perspective.
If this pregnancy hadn’t have gone so well physically, I probably would have fallen apart. Because, emotionally, this pregnancy has been a real rollercoaster. And don’t worry, I’m not severely depressed or dealing with thoughts of wanting to kill myself or anything – things haven’t been that bad! I think the biggest thing is that this is not how I envisioned what is likely my last pregnancy being like.
I had the classic home birther dreams of birthing my last baby outside, near a stream, with no one but my child’s loving father by my side. Perhaps a little unicorn would have walked by just as the baby was crowning. Oh, and of course, it would have been an orgasmic birth with lots of laughter, hugs, and love.
I also imagined that the pregnancy itself would go by so smoothly, which this one has! But I imagined it being filled with me focusing on preparing our home and my little ones for the arrival of yet another little blessing. In my dreams, I spent most of the pregnancy focusing internally and getting to know myself and my baby as well as I could before his arrival.
Somehow, most of what I had envisioned for the pregnancy has kind of sort of happened, just not as I had planned. I’ve definitely gotten to know myself better these 9 months, but not in the gloriously spiritual manner I had hoped for. Instead, I discovered I can be bitter, resentful, and feel a certain level of hate when the occasion arises. Knowing that I had these emotions forced me to discover the entirety of who I am.
And you know what?
I still like the person I met.
Sure, she can be a bitch. She can experience a full range of emotions. And yes, she still has a shit ton of work to do on herself. But she’s raw, she’s real, and she has stood up to the challenge of taking care of her family, even if it meant doing so alone.
So even though I probably won’t have a pretty stream, a unicorn, or the caring husband at my side to usher in the birth of my last child, this pregnancy has taught me everything I could have possibly have hoped to learn from my last.
I have come near the end of this pregnancy more focused, far more driven, and way more determined to create the life I want for me and my kids. I have learned that it’s okay to feel bitterness and anger, but to not let them consume you. And lastly, I have learned that I am one resilient, powerful woman.