One year ago today, I woke up to blood. I had been 15 weeks pregnant…
My worst nightmare as a pregnant mother had come true; I had lost my baby. The miscarriage took an entire month to pass the little baby that I would never get to meet. It was agonizing, waking up every morning to the sight of blood and going to bed every night with the visible reminder.
On October last year, I lost so much. I lost a baby, I lost my confidence in myself as a mother and as a person, and I eventually lost my husband. Miscarrying my little baby shook my family in a way that we were unable to repair from. But I also gained a few things while experiencing that loss.
I learned that there’s another side of me. A side of me that can feel bitterness and anger. There’s a side of me that has experienced emotions that people typically try to shun. Instead of shunning them, I learned to accept them. It was a side of me that I hadn’t known before, but I learned to accept this part of me. In the end, it helped me grow as a person. It was a step in my life that, apparently, I had to take in order to grow as an individual.
I still haven’t healed from this loss, not completely. Even though I have another baby dwelling within my womb at this very moment, he doesn’t fill the loss that I felt. My life still isn’t back to “normal”, but I’m trying to learn and adapt to a new normal.
Losing my little baby made me realize what I want out of my life. It made me become more determined to be a doula, so that I can help woman. I want to be able to help and support them as they experience the joys of birth and welcoming new life. I also want to be able to help and support the few who will experience loss, so that they won’t be alone like I was.
This candle is in honor of the baby I lost. Even though I never got to meet him, he taught me so much about life and about myself. For this, I am eternally grateful.